You Sound Weird
The five conversations you are about to read, really happened to me.
I changed some stuff, obviously. But most of it I’ve left exactly as it happened. I promise.
July 2000
When we moved back to Australia, I still had an American accent. I didn’t know I had an accent until I had this conversation with my cousin Amit. At the time he was seven and I was five. Kids can be brutal.
Amit: You sound weird.
Rowan: No I don’t.
Amit: Why do you sound so weird?
Rowan: What?
Amit: Why does your voice sound weird?...
Rowan: …It sounds normal?
Amit: Were you even born here?
Rowan: Yeah.
Amit: So why do you sound like…that?
Amit points to a 2016 picture of President Donald J. Trump hanging on the wall.
Rowan: I’m not sure…
Amit (mimicking Rowan and Donald Trump): I’m. Not. Sure.
Rowan says nothing.
Amit: It sounds weird.
Rowan still says nothing.
Amit: Are you going back to America?
Rowan: I’m not sure.
Amit: Are you going to live with us now?
Rowan: I think so.
Amit: How can you be my cousin if you have an American accent?
Rowan: I don’t know. I think we used to live here.
Amit: You’re weird.
It wasn’t until the summer of 2002 that I finally lost my American accent. I celebrated by riding a kangaroo around Donald Bradman Oval while drinking a VB. Finally I was the same as everyone else, or was I?
March 2005
It’s lunchtime on a Thursday. I’m at school, eating lunch with my best friend at the time, Mark. I don’t have many friends. I won’t really get popular until year nine. I’m ashamed of what happens next.
Mark: What do you have for lunch?
Rowan: Peanut Butter and Jelly!
Mark: Jelly?
Rowan: Jam…I mean Peanut Butter and Jam…
Rowan waits and hopes Mark doesn’t make fun of him for his Americanism.
Rowan: What do you have?
Mark: Vegemite.
Karthik, the only other kid with brown skin at school, drifts toward us on the hoverboard from the blockbuster film ‘Back to the Future’.
Mark: Karthik always has weird food. It smells so bad.
Karthik smiles as he hovers towards us. He’s holding his open lunch box in his hands. He adjusts his thick nerdy glasses.
Mark: Hey Karthik.
Karthik: Hi guys, can I have lunch with you?
Mark: Gross. What’s that smell?
Karthik: It’s Chapati and Potato Curry. My Mum made it; do you want some?
Mark: Yuck! That’s so disgusting, get that away from us. It’s so gross!
Rowan thinks it smells delicious.
Rowan: Yeah Karthik, get outta here! That’s so gross – it smells like farts!
Mark: Haha yeah! Karthik eats farts! Karthik eats farts!
Rowan laughs and Karthik leaves upset.
Mark: He’s so weird.
Rowan: Yeah. So weird.
Karthik never had a lot of friends throughout the rest of his schooling life. He went on to work for NASA.
December 2012
After I finished the HSC, I was looking for part-time work over the summer. My friend Pat had this casual gig serving wine at a local art gallery. I filled in for him a couple times. This conversation took place on my second shift.
Rowan: Excuse me sir, would you like some more wine?
Man: Oh, thank you! What have you got there?
Rowan: I believe this is a Pinot Noir.
Man: Lovely.
Rowan starts to pour the wine.
Man: Don’t be stingy now!
Rowan laughs awkwardly.
The Man looks at Rowan’s name tag.
Man: So, Rowan, where are you from?
Rowan decides how he wants to answer that question.
Rowan: Bar Beach actually, just up the road. Lived there since I was a kid.
Man: No, I mean your cultural background, where are you from?
(Why are you brown?)
Rowan: Oh right. My parents were both born in Sri Lanka actually.
Man: Sri Lanka! Beautiful place!
Rowan: Oh, you’ve been?
Man: Yes, a few times now.
Rowan: I’ve only been once.
Man: Tell me Rowan, are you Tamil or Singhalese?
Rowan: Oh wow, you know the difference! Very impressive haha. My parents are both Tamil actually.
Man: Tamil! Really?
The Man studies Rowan for a moment.
Man: You’re very tall! You’re too tall to be one of those Tamil terrorists!
The Man laughs, jokingly.
Rowan: Excuse me?
Man: I’ve heard those Tamil Tigers are small fellas You’re about six-foot? Much taller than their average height.
The man’s wife is Pauline Hanson. Even she looks embarrassed.
Pauline: I think what he means to say is…
Rowan: Please excuse me.
Even though his racism made next to no sense, it still hurt. I worked at the job three more times before I moved to Sydney.
March 2005
It’s a Thursday afternoon. We just got home from school and my mother has asked to see my lunch box. I’m nervous. I’m going to be in trouble.
Mum: Rowan, why do you keep wasting this food. I spend so much time making it!
Rowan is silent.
Mum: It doesn’t even leave your bag?
Rowan: I hate that food.
Mum: It’s just the leftovers we ate last night? You liked it then, why don’t you like it now?
Rowan: It’s gross and I don’t want it.
Mum stares in disbelief at her son.
Rowan: Why can’t you just make me Vegemite.
Mum: You want VEGEMITE? Yuck.
Rowan: Yes! Just make me something normal.
Mum: I spend so much time making this good food and you want Vegemite?
Rowan: Well I don’t ask you to make it.
Mum: It’s like you want me to be one of these white mothers that don’t care about their kids.
Rowan rolls his eyes.
Mum: You don’t know how lucky you are. I used to get Butter and Sugar for my lunch. Just butter and sugar…
Rowan: Eugh…
Mum: You want Vegemite? Fine, you have Vegemite. That’s easier for me. I don’t have to care.
Rowan: Great! That’s all I was asking for.
Mum: But don’t you waste it. If one more lunchbox comes back full, I’m making you eat it for dinner. Got it?
Rowan: Yeah.
Mum: I said do you hear me?
Rowan: Yes! Jeez.
Mum empties the lunchbox into the bin. The bin smiles, it says the food was delicious and then posts about his meal on Tik Tok.
Rowan: What’s for dinner?
Mum: Chapati’s, Chicken Curry and Potato Curry.
Rowan: Oh yum!
From then on, Mum made me Vegemite or Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches. Occasionally, Mum would make me something really nice like a butter chicken wrap. From year 10 onwards, white kids were jealous of my lunches.
August 2011
I got my drivers’ licence on my seventeenth birthday. I was so excited. This conversation took place a couple of weeks after. I picked up my friend Walter and then my friend Jake. We were desperate to go for a drive.
Rowan: DUDE! This is sick! We’re driving on our own.
Walter: Chyeah boi! Turn up the tunes!
Lonely Boy by the Black Keys plays cinematically in the background, while a montage of the boys driving around Newcastle plays through your imagination.
Rowan sees a girl from school on the street.
Rowan: Oh shit, that’s Shanthi Shah.
Walter: Who’s that?
Rowan: She goes to my school. She’s a little weird…
Walter: Why’s that?
Rowan: Well, every time she talks on the phone to her parents she puts on an Indian accent.
Walter: Why does she do that?
Rowan: Well she says that it’s so her parents can understand what she’s saying more easily.
Walter: That’s definitely interesting.
Rowan: I’m so glad my parents don’t have an accent. I’d hate to have to do that all the time.
Walter looks at Rowan.
Rowan: You should text Jake and tell him we’re almost there.
Walter: Yeah they do, bro.
Rowan: What?
Walter: Your parents. They have accents.
Rowan: Hahaha! Classic Walter. Good one mate.
Walter looks out the window awkwardly. It starts to rain. Drops of denial sprinkle all over the car and windscreen.
Walter: They do Ro.
Rowan can see his friend isn’t joking.
Rowan: Nah…what? Nah. They don’t. They don’t!
Walter: For real Ro, your parents have accents. They’re not like super strong, but they definitely don’t have Australian accents.
Rowan: Nah…they sound Australian! Well I guess maybe Mum sounds kinda American sometimes.
Walter: Yeah, your mums isn’t as strong, but your dad’s definitely is.
Rowan: Nah man. I don’t believe you. Their accents are fine!
Walter: You’re right, there’s nothing wrong with their accents. But they do have accents.
Rowan pulls over the car and Jake jumps in.
Jake: Yooooooo, chyeah boys! Finally driving on our own!
Rowan: Dude, answer this honestly. Do my parents have accents?
Jake: Yeah, why?
Walter: Hahahaha!
Rowan: WHAT?!
Jake: Your mums isn’t as strong, but your dad’s definitely is.
Rowan: This is blowing my mind.
Jake: Have you never realised before?
Rowan: Nope. This has rocked my world. Are you sure?
Jake and Walter: YES!
And that’s when I realised I wasn’t Bulgarian, but in fact, I was Sri-Lankan (Australian).