Old Brown People Tings
Old brown people love sniffing your cheeks.
I don’t know why they do it but they absolutely love a good sniff on the cheek. It’s like they’re going to give you a kiss on the cheek but then just as you expect a moist peck, they hit you with that sharp inhale. It’s like they’re trying to sniff the youth out of you.
Never forget, every breath is a gift.
Remember when you’d rock up to the family event and you’d see your cousins and your uncles and aunties and get super excited for fun family times.
But then you’d get to that room that people had cleared everything from, except for a line of chairs that outlines the perimeter of the room? Seated on each of those chairs were just generations of the oldest Sri Lankan migrants you’d ever seen.
Before you got to play with your cousins you’d have to make your way along the entire perimeter just getting sniffs from every older uncle and aunty.
You’d introduce yourself as Suku’s son or Hephzi’s son, depending on which side of the family you were visiting, they’d hold tightly onto your hand while they remembered the last time they had seen you (usually as a baby) and would not let go of your hand until they’d fully recounted the insanely mundane story.
Once they had finished your back was sore from bending down and you had to slowly try and release yourself from their bony clutches while still respecting them.
You’d go around the whole circle because at some point you’d get to your favourite old brown people - your grandparents! The people who you were actually so incredibly stoked to see.
Usually you’d interrupt a conversation they were having and they’d introduce you as their grandchildren and that would just send you off on another round of hello’s until you’d ended up back at the beginning like a sick blind dating game.
Old brown people are a treasure and they should be treated as such, they’re also very funny and very strange - particularly your old brown people.
I didn’t always feel that way, I used to be a little embarrassed by my Appa. I remember one time he was staying with us for a few days and my friend Peter came over to the house to hang out after school.
My grandfather treated him with the love and affection he would treat any of his grandchildren. But I remember when I introduced Peter to him, he did that thing where he held Peter’s hand as he talked to him, the same way I just described. I was horrified as I watched Peter squirm - he wasn’t familiar with this procedure, that you have to wait until they finish the story in order for them to release you.
I was so embarrassed I remember grabbing my grandfather’s hand instead, almost like a weird old brown person tribute. He was just a sweet old man, but I needed to save my white friend.
I remember that day Appa obviously had forgotten Peter’s name and so when he spoke to him he called him “son” which felt weirdly formal. And when it was time for Pete to go home, Appa grabbed his hand and said, “God Bless you son, it was nice to meet you” like the sweetest Ghandi-ish old man you’d ever met.
I freaked out - oh God, Peter was going to know my family was weirdly religious - great, thanks Appa.
In my experience, old brown people are extremely loving - they’d do anything for their grandchildren, literally anything.
Growing up we’d spend a lot of time with my grandparents and I saw it first-hand. For some reason, older brown people don’t really believe in toilet paper. At least mine didn’t.
In some brown families that were a little more well off, when you used the bathroom they had a hose where the toilet paper would usually be. At my grandparents, there was just a bowl and a sink right next to the toilet.
The idea was that you’d fill the bowl up with water, and wash your ass after a big poop. When I was a kid I was too little, the water would have gone everywhere.
I have clear childhood memories of when I was a kid, my grandfather wiping my ass with that bowl of water and his bare hands.
Like I said, old brown people will do anything for their grandchildren, literally anything.